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1. Comparing your child: Every child is unique. Anyone who has seen Taare Zameen Par may have taken that learning from the movie. And of course, there are some who don’t. I love checking out the memes on Facebook and one meme had a wonderful message which said, “Don’t evaluate a fish on the basis of its ability to climb a tree”. I have heard these common ones very frequently. “Why aren’t you like your brothers, sisters, or other children”? “Other kids are smarter than you”. Such comparisons damage a child’s self-esteem and lead them to believe that no matter how hard they try, they will never be good enough. And of course, when you compare with siblings, it will simply foster an unpleasant bond between them, generating envy and anger.
2. Criticizing a child for acting like a child: How do you expect them to behave then? Isn’t that the law of nature that wisdom prevails with time, experience, and learning? But then, you will find some parents making statements like, “Why do you walk or speak like that”? “You are so immature”. “Your behavior is so childish”. “How come you chew like that”? Sarcastic or critical questions can give a child the false idea that they have a problem. This make it difficult for a child, even adults, to be themselves with other people. Children are wired to trust everything their parents tell them.
3. Making selfish wishes: Yes, sometimes you get tired as a parent. Not only that, but you may also get frustrated, irritated with the kids. But then, making reactive statements in the heat of the moment like, “I wish you hadn’t been born”, “I wish I could have had an abortion, and I am sad to have you”, “I wish you weren’t the way you are”, simply gets the child devastated. Such remarks can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and self-harm.
4. Complaining about the difficulties of raising a child: I remember Alia Bhatt’s dialog in the movie ‘Dear Zindagi’. When her uncle in the movie makes a statement, “You children don’t have any idea how difficult it is to raise a child”. She quite simply responds to that statement by saying, “They why did you? Whose decision was it to have a child? Yours! So now what is the point of cribbing? Now that you’ve got a child, at least do a decent job of raising the child”. Sometimes I’ve heard some parents saying, “It cost me a lot of money because of you”, or “It is tough having you since it is so difficult to take care of you”. Why make the child feel the burden? As a result, I’ve seen kids often masking or concealing their genuine needs to avoid their parents’ wrath. This avoidance has been linked to children becoming more prone to thievery or even violence as they grow older.
5. Criticism of a child’s physical appearance: “How fat, skinny, or small you are”. Body shaming is never a cool thing, and definitely not appropriate coming from a Parent. When I was young, I had a friend who used to get body shamed by his father regularly because he was too skinny. To top it, his father then would compare himself with the child and say things like, “Look at your father. How strong he is. And look at you. I wonder how I gave birth to such a child”. The boy went on to become an under confident adult who is still struggling to be social. Humiliation of a child because of his or her appearance might create feelings of insecurity and concern about one’s own body. Ideally, parents should educate their children on how to enjoy themselves regardless of their external looks.
6. Using offensive words and statements: I have never understood, why some parents would consciously break the lovely bond and rapport they share with their kids by saying things like, “You are useless, dumb, zero”. “You don’t have it in you to do medical, or engineering” is the most common thing I have heard. Absolute statements like these will erode a child’s self-esteem. They are anyway going to have a hard time out there in the real world. Hence it is critical for parents to be a source of encouragement.
7. Threatening to leave: “When you wake up, you will never see me again”. And you expect the child to sleep peacefully after that statement. These words will cause the child to develop abandonment issues, making them fearful that people they care about would desert them because of who they are. This thought will become subconsciously ingrained in the child’s head as s/he grows older. They may just start doubting their future relationships.
8. Making hollow promises: There are two very important things. The first one, once you make a promise, fulfill it. Your children mirror you. If you don’t fulfill your promises, kids will not value your word. What’s more, they will not value their words or anyone else’s words as well. The second one, don’t always promise something materialistic in exchange of your child doing something. “I’ll but you this, if you do this”. The child will keep demanding things even for small jobs. And the worst thing would be you not keeping that promise once the child does what s/he has been asked to do. Don’t dupe them for your sake.

At the end of this short blog, I would want to insist that if you have chosen to have kids, then take the responsibility and do the right things. Neither you, nor the kids had a choice of choosing each other. Enjoy Parenthood, and the shivers which come with it as well at times.